A Heart so Full

My heart.

Is so full.

Of love.

Of previously unknown emotions.

I look at my son. [my son]. Oh those words! I am a mama. Something that was not a dream of mine. I didn't want children for a very long time. But God had other plans.

To tell you all the dead truth, I've not been completely honest on this blog the past 9 months. I've put my most optimistic face forward, tried so hard to convey a complete trust in God's plans in this. But at the core, I've been afraid. I've been angry. I've questioned God, told Him it was a mistake...asked Him to take it all away.

And now, now when I look at my son [this beautiful, precious, and perfect little boy], I almost weep at the thought that I didn't want a baby.

This morning I was reading a blog of a couple in the middle of an adoption. They were planning to adopt for a woman who was pregnant and didn't want her baby. On October 6th, this woman gave birth, then decided to keep the baby. This couple, who has been unable to conceive, and who for 9 months believed they were finally going to have a baby, lost him. They essentially miscarried. And my heart broke. I just wept at my computer this morning.

I began thinking of all the couples who have been trying so hard for a baby, and they would love to be in my position of being spit up on, peed on, losing sleep. They dream of those days. Who am I that God would choose me to have a baby, that in my selfishness and pride would give me such a beautiful gift? I cannot understand or fathom why God does what He does.

I am a changed woman today from who I was a mere week ago. I was just checking into the hospital at this time last week, clueless to the blessing that was waiting for me. Thank you God for knowing better than I do, for your extravagant love and grace, and for the sweet and perfect blessing of Josiah.

Baby Josiah

I know I'm supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps, but this morning I feel so refreshed and excited, and I absolutely must share about the past few days!

Josiah Robert Griffioen finally came into the world Tuesday at 1:26 am after just 7 hours of labor, a perfectly healthy and beautiful 6 lbs 15 oz, 20.5 inches long. Yeah, he's a long, skinny little man, with sweet chubby little cheeks and a dimply chin <3

That moment, of seeing him for the first time, is a moment that you can never fully describe or convey unless you've experienced it. I've wondered for 9 months what it would be like to see him - would I love him instantly, what would he look like, am I really going to be a good mom, am I capable of doing this, what is God thinking?! And in that instant, all of those fears and questions seemed to disappear, and I've quickly realized that I truly was made for this.

As I was feeding him at one point last night, I was just gazing at his peaceful little face, and God's words that each of us are fearfully and wonderfully made came to mind. It blows me away when I look at Josiah knowing that the very hands of God purposely and carefully knit him together inside of me! Looking back over these 9 months, especially in the beginning when we had just found out about being pregnant, I can't believe I ever questioned what God was doing.

I could go on and on about how amazed I am, but I'll spare you all my ramblings. I just feel so overwhelmed and blessed at God's grace and goodness. I'm so excited for the journey that's begun :-)

Regret

A word I live with...a lot. There are a lot of things recently that I've felt regret about. A big one has been moving to Texas when we did. I've looked back on our decision and the timing so many times and my heart just wonders if it was the right thing. It placed us in the difficult position of me being the provider because Rob can't work here yet, which has caused a lot of stress on my end.

A more recent decision I've felt regret over is going on maternity leave when I did. I listened to my doctor who was so surprised by my progress and was saying "any day now, any day now!" Now here we are, two weeks into this "any day now" bologna. It could have been another paycheck in the bank.

But the book I mentioned yesterday addresses this issue. Joyce Meyer explains that regret is how the devil loves to work. Satan waits until a decision has been made, until it's too late to change anything, when you can no longer do anything about it. Then he tries to bring on regret and condemnation.

I believe the Holy Spirit guides me in my decision. He speaks to me and gives warning signals if I shouldn't do something. Now of course I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I don't hear correctly sometimes, but even if that's the case, God is not the one filling me with regret! Quite contrary, God loves to show His kindness, which leads to repentance, when we've made mistakes.

Satan wants to steal our peace and joy. What better way to do that than do fill us with regret and waste our time over that which cannot be changed?!

I will not be burdened by regret. I trust that God has led us in each of our decisions. And if we have made mistakes, His love, grace and mercy for us is not based on our performance or if we do the right thing or not! Grace is unmerited, and it is who God is! He will always be there to take care of us.

Enjoying Life

Enjoying where you are, on the way to where you are going...

That's the title of a book I just started reading by Joyce Meyer. A little gem of a thing I found in the dirt of life's mess right now.

I think we can all relate in some way or another. We're often looking ahead to what's next...it will be better when I get that promotion, when I'm able to move to this place, when I finally get married, when the babies are out of diapers, etc, etc...

When I was a house director at Teen Mania, my biggest message to the girls under my leadership was to make the most of whatever situation you are in. That was easy for me to preach back then. I was in one of the best seasons of my life, and even though Rob and I were long distance, I held on to the fact that I knew we'd be together for the rest of our lives and I only had that short window of time at Teen Mania left.

But since leaving Teen Mania, enjoying life in the season that I'm in has been the most difficult thing to do! When I was working with Rob's foster sister, I always said life would be better when I got a different job. When it was bitter cold and snowing every other day, I said life would be better once it was warmer again (hmm, well it kinda was better...haha). Then I said life would be better once we were back in Texas. Now I say life will be better when we are done with immigration, when Rob can get a job, when I'm done being pregnant, when we have a better place to live. It's never ending!

I'm only on chapter 3 of this book, so I can see more blog posts in the future on this topic. Right now I'm learning to wake up to the fact that there isn't one final destination on this journey that's the jackpot to happiness. I desire to enjoy the journey, and to once again make the most of each season of life. I'm hoping and praying that this little book will spark a change in my heart and my attitude toward the season we are in.

The Blessed Life

Our pastor at Gateway, Robert Morris, has been doing a series based on his book, The Blessed Life, and it's all about financial stewardship and giving as God designed. For many of us, it's a refresher course (Rob and I read the book while we were dating and it transformed our thinking and attitude towards giving), but refresher courses are often a very GOOD thing.

We've felt recently that we have little to give because we ourselves have been so in need, but we're being shown through these messages that it's not just about money, it's about time, it's about attitude, it's about love. It's not about giving out of abundance (think about the widow in the new testament who gave her only two mites). But God says in Malachi chapter 3 that when we give in our tithes and offerings, that He will open for us the windows of heaven and pour out such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it all.

That said, I say the following not to brag on myself by any means, but to show that God's word is true! On Monday it was on our hearts to put together a gift bag for someone who is having a baby. We knew it wouldn't be much, but we just wanted to bless this person in some small way. Then last night after our church small group, we found out that all the couple from our group had gotten together to bless us! They had put together a large gift basket full of items, all of which were things we had gotten this other person on Monday. It was as if God did exactly what He said in Malachi and poured out such abundant blessing back to us. And not only that, they all pitched in and got us a rocker/glider for the baby's room! I feel so overwhelmed with blessing and God's goodness!

Friends, I know many of you are like us right now, and times are hard financially, even spiritually. But I encourage you to get this book, or listen to the sermons from it online (go to www.gatewaypeople.com and it's on the homepage). There is blessing promised in God's word when we tithe, and there is also a curse when we don't. Don't let fear or insecurity stop you from giving. I promise, God will bless you and provide your every need!

The Calm Before the Storm

Thank you Kailene over at Jubilee for inspiring a list themed blog today :-)

1. According to my doctor, baby Josiah could literally arrive any time now. Basically, it's a sit and wait game right now. She said she wouldn't be surprised if he came this week. Buuuut I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm feeling the calm before the storm right now.

2. I'm extremely excited for Josiah to arrive. And I don't think I can quite convey the miracle of that statement. 9 months ago I was terrified, I was upset, I thought God made a mistake. For many of these months I've asked God what the heck He was thinking. But now, just the thought of holding Josiah in my arms, and kissing his sweet cheeks, and holding his little hand, is almost too much for me. To hold him, and know that the very hands of God knit him together inside of me, completely overwhelms my heart.

3. I can't wait to not be pregnant. AKA I can't wait to go running again. And uh, drink a margarita...

4. I just had coffee. Which means Josiah just had coffee. Which might explain the jelly bean like effect happening in my belly right now.

5. This is what Boss looked like the day we got him. He was so tiny and innocent looking. And friends, this is my firstborn. He will not be forgotten when Josiah comes. Mark my words. That's all for now :-)

One Batch of Thoughts

It's Monday morning, and for the first time in a VERY, I mean very long time, it doesn't arrive with dread.

I don't have to work today. I don't have to do anything today.

Officially, I'm on maternity leave. Yeah I know, I just got the new job, but Josiah could literally arrive any time now, and I don't want to risk going into labor at work! Plus, 8 hours on my feet the past 2 weeks...I'm sore and tired! Time to rest up and prepare for this baby.

Rob and I are taking the utmost advantage of our time together. Going out as much as possible, going on walks, going to the gym, going out with other couples from our small group. I don't know what more we could do to enjoy "us" time, but simply be thankful for the sweet, quiet times of just me and my love. I'm feeling more ready for Josiah to come. I'm feeling VERY ready to not be pregnant anymore.

This morning I woke up thinking about the Honor Academy. I realized that all the interns had already been up for a few hours, run a few miles, and were all scurrying to finish getting ready in the over-crowded bathroom. My heart really misses those days. Who knew four years ago what a lifelong impact that time at the HA would have on my life? I wouldn't trade it for anything, that's for sure.

Here's to change, and continually trusting that God's plans are always the best.