A Heart so Full

My heart.

Is so full.

Of love.

Of previously unknown emotions.

I look at my son. [my son]. Oh those words! I am a mama. Something that was not a dream of mine. I didn't want children for a very long time. But God had other plans.

To tell you all the dead truth, I've not been completely honest on this blog the past 9 months. I've put my most optimistic face forward, tried so hard to convey a complete trust in God's plans in this. But at the core, I've been afraid. I've been angry. I've questioned God, told Him it was a mistake...asked Him to take it all away.

And now, now when I look at my son [this beautiful, precious, and perfect little boy], I almost weep at the thought that I didn't want a baby.

This morning I was reading a blog of a couple in the middle of an adoption. They were planning to adopt for a woman who was pregnant and didn't want her baby. On October 6th, this woman gave birth, then decided to keep the baby. This couple, who has been unable to conceive, and who for 9 months believed they were finally going to have a baby, lost him. They essentially miscarried. And my heart broke. I just wept at my computer this morning.

I began thinking of all the couples who have been trying so hard for a baby, and they would love to be in my position of being spit up on, peed on, losing sleep. They dream of those days. Who am I that God would choose me to have a baby, that in my selfishness and pride would give me such a beautiful gift? I cannot understand or fathom why God does what He does.

I am a changed woman today from who I was a mere week ago. I was just checking into the hospital at this time last week, clueless to the blessing that was waiting for me. Thank you God for knowing better than I do, for your extravagant love and grace, and for the sweet and perfect blessing of Josiah.