it's a poetic sort of morning

quiet whispers of doubt and worry

as i look at my canvas

that should tell a lovely story

i gaze upon the painted, cloudy sky

the birds effortless glide, and fly

the little black puppy

lazily sprawled on the grass

not a care, not a worry in the world

and i envy the simplicity

steadiness, rhyme, and rhythm

have given way to that

which makes no sense

and pieces never fit

i am brokenness

i am clay, shattered

i am artwork in the making

the Master Artist is building his craft

messy, unexplained, scattered

the black and white is all i see

but His past work, exquisite

and i too can believve

He is working all things good, in me

Who I Am...On A Different Day

Yesterday I posted this creative picture to define who I am.

What I failed to mention is that it changes every day. Or every other day. Or every few hours.

Admittedly, many days I am excited about this whole baby thing. And other days, like today, I'm overwhelmed and afraid.

I'm doing so much reading lately on "mommyhood" and learning as much as I possibly can. I even found a website that's dedicated solely to baby blogs - mom and dads on the parenthood journey.

In so many ways I still feel like a little kid myself. I still remember being a 7 year old girl playing "wedding" and "baby" with my friends in the neighborhood. I still remember riding a little pink bicycle down the street with daddy standing at the end of the driveway watching me. It's still vivid, the days of playing ball with daddy in the front yard, and countless hours of him teaching me to be a better softball pitcher.

And now here I am. Soon to be mommy. That word is so frightening sometimes. I'm so not ready for this. But then again, I guess no one is ever really ready for that first child, no matter what their age is.

Can any other moms out there relate to how I'm feeling?! Please just tell me I'm not alone and I'm not a horrible person for being totally frightened rather than elated with great joy!

I Am...

.a dreamer.

I look into the black and white haze of life, into the sight of endless wilderness, and I see the formation of life. I see the youth of unborn dreams, and imagine the vibrancy of the sunrise on the horizon.

.a believer.

dry dust sitting lifeless upon the earth, I am awakened by the rushing water, lost, unknown, alone. I am awakened by grace. Grace, believing with new eyes, and a new heart beating.

.a momma.

thump. thump. kick. one cell, two cells, a mysterious, unexplainable, microscopic collision begetting life. thump. thump. kick; my ever-present reminder that the very hands of God Himself are physically at work inside of me.

.amazed.

only in the womb, Josiah's days are numbered. every hair follicle is known, every little line on each fingertip has been uniquely drawn. Josiah is being knit together by the master craftsman. And I have been chosen to be his momma. simply. amazed.

.becoming.

a large canvas. 22 years of work have been put into creating my canvas. there are bits and pieces filled in and painted, yet much of it remains blank. my need to know everything self tries so hard to distinguish the picture being painted, and I come up with so many answers of what it is becoming. But the final picture is impossible to see yet, and I can only trust God that it is in progress, it is becoming, it will be finished. I am becoming, and coming alongside my sweet heavenly Father for the ride.

.a wife.

a solitary heart, satisfied, yet yearning to love and be loved, caught up into another solitary heart. no longer my own, but carefully and delicately embracing the two becoming one. in giving, I am nourished, in loving, I am loved, in knowing, I am known. Beauty made remarkably magnificent.

.a child.

naivete, trust, dancing in the rainstorm that a well-mannered adult takes cover from. no fear of troubles that may come, just knowing Daddy said He'd be there for me. He'd take care of me. Often a million miles away from this child of yesterday, yet eagerly peering into the eyes of photographs left behind, learning to be that child again.

.i am a heart that is reawakening. i have been the frozen northern tundra; i have been bleak, cold, and without hope or the promise of warmth. change is upon me, the kind of change not feared, but welcomed. the sun's rays have begun to melt away the cold ache beneath my soul. the circumstance still one of great unknown, but my heart trusts in the Great I AM.

Thump, Thump

As I sit here and work from home, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to take a moment to be quiet before the Lord, and think about the work He's physically performing inside of me.

Not a day goes by that I'm not overwhelmingly amazed that the very hands of God are forming life inside of me. And at 22 weeks now, I'm finally becoming more aware of this little life by the random little thump, thumps happening more frequently in my belly.

I never thought I'd experience such joy from these little movements. What a beautiful gift a woman is given to be able to carry a baby inside of her.

If I Could Do Anything in the World...

1. I'd be a writer.

2. I'd be a photographer.

3. I'd learn piano and write music.

Can you tell I'm the creative type? Without creativity, my life would be bland, it would be colorless, I'd be bored, I wouldn't be me. I want to do these 3 things with my life.

Parenting and the Gospel

I read an old post from a very lovely momma who used to be at Teen Mania, and was so encouraged by it I just had to share. You can view the specific post I'm referring to here. She also has another blog that she updates more frequently here.

"i think pregnancy is one of the greatest gifts a marriage can be given.
two lives, joined together, begetting life. it's like the trinity.
their love and fellowship - their oneness - produced life... US!
it's in our DNA and it's so satisfying.

i mean, don't get me wrong, our first year of marriage was unforgettable.
but there is a sweetness that can only come in giving over yourself, your time,
even a little bit of your dreams to raise up someone whose life will go past your own.

i'm sure mothering and fathering will increase the joy of marriage even more.

and so we may not get to backpack europe,
and so my body may never look as it did pre-baby (it's a truth),
and maybe our evenings will turn to less about us and more about someone else.

but isn't that ministry? isn't that the gospel?"

Just Another Year Older?

Today is another birthday.

A new start.

A new beginning.

A new journal :-)

I've been through a lot of pain & trials in the past almost year, it's been a very dry, desert of a time since leaving Teen Mania. I don't think I'll be out of the desert all that soon, BUT, I do know I won't be here forever. I have hope that God's plans are good, they are purposeful, and God wants to meet me in this place.

Life is a work in progress. Life is unpredictable. I will always be growing, learning, & becoming. I've gotta learn to be okay with the journey. I've gotta keep trusting that I'm in the palm of God's hand in the midst of the trials.

I'm so blessed on this birthday. I have a faithful, selfless, generous, & loving husband. We are living in Texas, have a perfect apartment for this season of our lives, a sweet, sweet puppy, and a beautiful, precious gift being knit together by the very hands of God inside of me.

Here's to the journey, to becoming.

"My God shall supply all your need according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." - Phil 4:19

Newlyweds + New Dogs = Trouble?

Fox News had an article posted today that claims 47-57% of newlywed couples who get a dog right away, end up after about 3 years surrendering that dog to a shelter. http://fxn.ws/newlyweddog

disclaimer

[okay, I tend to be a bit naive about some things, but it's gotten me pretty far in life actually. sometimes it's better to not know what you've gotten yourself into and then just deal with it]

The article mentions that this happens probably as a result of not training your dog when he was a puppy. So then a real baby comes a long, dog is neglected, gets into trouble, you get aggravated. Then comes baby 2, you hardly notice you have a dog, decide to give him up.

Just for the record, that's not gonna happen here. It's a good thing he was an easy pup to train.

I mean, look at it this way. If you have a second baby, you're not going to ignore the first kid just because there's another one in the picture. Boss will still be in our family until the day he dies. He will never be given up.

Just wanted to set things straight for all those Debbie Downers out there who don't believe I can handle a dog and a child.

Building a Successful Blog

I started doing a little research, and I am so intrigued by some of the people who have started successful blogs. I read from one woman this morning who just one day decided to start a blog and within a few months she had so much traffic she couldn't even respond to people anymore. How in the world do you make something like that happen? I'm no business person, I'm hardly tech savvy, but I love to write. If I could write and make it my living, that's what I'd be doing. I'm convinced that I WILL write a book one day. So where do you start?

Everyone has a blog these days it seems. How do I make mine something that people will want to read, without compromising the things that interest me to write about?

My goodness I'm working in the marketing world now. I think I should know a thing or two about utilizing social media, getting followers, and getting my name out there.

Well here's to learning and lots of writing.

Josiah Robert Griffioen

For 5 months we've wondered - who is this little baby inside of me? Is it a boy or girl, what kind of plans does God have for him/her, what will their personality be like, will they like sports, etc? Yesterday we got an answer to one of those questions...and we're having a BOY!

It's funny because all along I've been so completely convinced it would be a girl. Then the day before we were scheduled to find out, I began thinking that gosh, maybe I've gotten my hopes up too much, what if it's a boy? I didn't wanna be disappointed. Then that night I had two different dreams about being told it was a boy. I woke up and somehow knew it was going to be a boy. And sure enough it was :-)

I've excitedly been thinking about Josiah running to the endzone for a touchdown, or hitting that homerun over the fence. I've been thinking about having a little mama's boy, who loves and adores his mama, about going on mama/son dates, and many other things. I'm even thinking waaaaay far ahead and how I hope he'll have the chance to be a big brother to a little sister one day.

And I also think back to the earlier days when we found out we were pregnant. I was terrified, and couldn't understand why God would let this happen. I wasn't ready for this, I really didn't want this at all. Yet, God has taken my confusion and my fear and done a complete transformation in my heart. I'm so amazed at the miracle of life being formed inside of me, amazed that God has great plans for Josiah, amazed that the very hands of God are forming this tiny baby inside of me right now.

"Josiah" means The Lord Saves.

Saves. Redeems. Rescues. Preserves. Brings Through.

What a picture of the love and grace of God. I may not yet see the big picture in everything, it's still a bit scary knowing we're going to be parents, and trusting God with minimal finances. But I see how the Lord is "bringing us through" and "preserving" us, and the miracle that is taking place because of Josiah

Josiah is waving and saying hello :-)