Friday Words

Sometimes I can't fully put into expressed sentences what's on my heart. Sometimes only simple words or short phrases will say it best.

Contentment.

Trust.

Thankful.

Grace.

Love.

                    Photography.

Heart's desire.

Patience.

God's timing.

                               Favor.

                                                                                          Hearing God's voice.

Roots that go deep.

                                              Fruits of the Spirit.

Joy.                                                     Joy.                                       Joy.                                      Joy.

Life Lately

Thanksgiving - we trekked to Oklahoma for a few days. Josiah was a cranky mess on the drive to Oklahoma, finally slept the last maybe 45 minutes of the drive. As soon as we got to my parent's house he became severely congested and was having trouble breathing. He didn't sleep a wink Thursday night - around 4 am Rob ended up taking him for a drive around town and he slept in the car. But Friday and Saturday morning were alike - awful congestion and labored breathing. Thankfully my sister had this machine she used on Caleb (who is 5 days older than Josiah) that gives a medicated breathing treatment. I can't remember for the life of me what the thing is called though. It helped somewhat.

We came home Saturday late in the morning because Rob had to work that day. Upon returning home Josiah seemed almost back to normal, aside from a runny nose. This convinced me that Josiah can't handle being around cigarette smoke at all. I'll refrain from issuing more thoughts on smoking, but I just know that it had something to do with Josiah's labored breathing.

Needless to say, this wasn't the most relaxing vacation weekend.

The weekend before we attempted an anniversary weekend getaway. Our dog ran away from home and I cried the entire time we were gone. That was a bust. (He returned the next day and waited on the patio for us to come home) Seems like we just can't catch a break. We are in serious, desperate need of a fun, relaxing time, enjoying each other, not worrying about anything.

Josiah.
Is walking everywhere.
Is eating everything.
Except chicken.
And pears.
He is my heartbeat.
And my favorite son ;-)
Still praying. Praying a lot. Praying every day. Multiple times a day. For God to reverse me and Rob's roles, so he can be the money maker and I can stay home with Josiah.
I don't know how working moms do it. Maybe they have awesome jobs that they love. I still can't imagine an awesome job being better than staying at home with my kids. Soon. Soon. Soon. Would you say a quick prayer for us, that God would bless us in this huge desire that we have to switch roles?

I guess that's all for now. Maybe some super adorable pictures later from Josiah and Caleb playing in the leaves at Thanksgiving.

This post is for my own sake, writer's therapy I guess you could say. Sometimes writing is the best way to calm my heart and my thoughts.

There is a story from the Fort Worth area that came on as breaking news last night that my heart can't shake. As I listened to the story, I sat on the floor in my living room and wept. A young mom and her one year old child - a scenario so relatable. Her car was struck by another so forcefully, it propelled her car through a fence and into a pond. She was on the line with 911 while trying to escape from her sinking car, but was unable to get out. I'm in tears now just thinking about it.

I feel such intense heartache. Mostly as a mom, and the thought of being helplessly unable to save my child. Thoughts and emotions cascade into a wrestling match, trying to make sense of things. On one hand is fear, on another hand is faith in God, on the other hand, why does it have to be like this, the other hand, knowing it's a fallen world we live in. But still, tragedy will never make sense to me, even knowing what I know about God and life on earth.

What do you do when nothing makes sense?

I have faith that heaven is real, that I will one day be in a place that is more perfect and beautiful than our minds can fathom. A place where there is no more pain, no more suffering, that ones we love and have lost will grasp us in hugs so tight. That the present troubles on earth will long be forgotten. Those of us still here on earth, dealing with pain, trials, loss, and heartache, we will blink and this momentary affliction will be behind us. Right now it doesn't feel momentary, but in the big picture, it really is.

The big picture. Heaven. Eternity. Therein my hope lies. Life on earth may not make sense sometimes, but I'm choosing today to cling to the Hope of Jesus Christ.

A Letter for Someone I Love

The chances of you reading this are pretty slim, but it's on my heart anyways. There are things I want to say to you, that you probably wouldn't listen to in person.

As I've watched your life unfold the past several years, it's been racked with many tough blows. It's been pain, heartache, rejection, and more rejection. At the same time, you've also shown tremendous strength. You earned your associates degree while being a single mom to two kids (one of those a brand new baby). That's a really big deal, and everyone around you is so proud of you.

After all you've been through, I can imagine it's hard to trust anyone, that it's hard to let anyone love you. There's a measuring stick in place and each person must measure up or the walls come up. I can understand. You don't want to be hurt again, you want to protect yourself. But as someone on the outside, it hurts US when we miss the mark by a smidge and the walls come up against us. Truth is, however, that I am human. As much as I try I will make mistakes, I will still do any say hurtful things. I'm truly sorry for those times. But I hope you know that I would never, ever, purposely try to hurt you. My love for you is genuine, it's real, and it's forever. No matter what.

I wish I could tell you how different life would be if you would accept the love of a real, heavenly Father. It's hard to wrap your mind around that, because you never knew the love of your own earthly father. But still, I pray for you quite often that God's love would penetrate your heart. That you would experience the miracle of His grace. No matter what you've been through in life, I believe God can break past all of those barriers.

I wish I could tell you that there's hope. There's real hope. That your life doesn't have to continue going the way it's always gone. That passion and drive inside of you can really take you far, especially when you are walking in the fullness of all that God has for you.

I wish I could tell you that you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I wish I could tell you that you are beautiful, and you don't need to hide behind beautiful and expensive things for people to respect you. You're worth more than superficial things and empty promises.

I wish I could tell you how much your two little ones are so lucky you are their mother. You love them and care for them so much.

One day maybe I'll be able to say these things to you. One day when you'll hear me. They are left for now to this little space of mine online. I love you, and you are just on my heart today.

More Thoughts on Grace

As I was driving home late last night, after a long day at work and an evening with the ladies of our small group, I realized how rare it is for me to get away and spend time with a group of women. Which is strange, seeing as how that was basically my life at Teen Mania for 3 years. But things change, life doesn't ever stay the same, does it?

This led to thoughts about my relationship with God after having a child. Now that's an area that is vastly different today than it was 2 or 3 years ago. Back then, I'd easily have an hour to myself in the mornings, or if I slept in, I'd have that hour in the evenings to spend time soaking in the Word. But when Josiah came, an hour to myself went out the backdoor.

At TM, we were required to have an hour of "quiet time" every day. This is a great thing, but I think if you're not careful, it can easily lead to a legalistic mindset. If I don't get this hour, then I'm a failure and I'm slacking and have a bad relationship with God.

Sadly, this is a mindset I unknowingly developed after Josiah was born. There have been so many times that I'd actually set my alarm extra early to try and get that hour in of quiet time, and Josiah would wake up 20 minutes into my reading. Then I'd get all frustrated and think well, I barely scratched the surface and didn't get real time with God in today.

It has taken time to re-wire my brain of the mindset that I have to have an hour (because in reality, I just don't have that time!). God is not sitting there with a timer, and if I miss the mark, He's not going to speak to me.

God is so pleased when we turn our hearts to him for ANY amount of time. If it's 5 minutes before we head out the door of thanking him and praising him, he is pleased. If it's 15 minutes spent reading the Word or praying on lunch break, he is pleased. We don't get extra points with Him for spending an hour vs. 20 minutes. He can speak, He WILL speak, when we simply set aside distractions and turn our hearts to him.

We live a much more free and fulfilling life when we understand God's grace, and learn to step out of legalistic mindsets.

Currently

Loving: that Josiah is walking more and more. All day Sunday he just wanted to walk all over the place all of a sudden. Also loving the cooler weather and occasional chance to wear a hoodie here in Texas, and the fact that the holidays are just around the corner!

Reading: A few weeks ago I read Sparkly Green Earrings (yet to be released...see here) but haven't picked up anything new. I neeeeeeed another good book though!

Watching:  There's not a whole lot that I'm interested in right now, but there is one show that I'm like, Okay, stop everything, put Josiah to bed, I MUST watch this. And that is Nashville. I love.love.love this new show.

Listening to: lately on the chilly nights we've been having, I've stood outside under the dark sky and just taken in the silence. Living outside the city, outside of all the traffic and noisy neighbors and obnoxious music blaring from cars, I find so much peace in the stillness. And silence is rare with a little one, so I enjoy every second of it I can get.

Thinking about: how I'm going to be seeing even less of family in the coming weeks. this hurricane has us slammed at work. I hate being away from both of my guys.

Looking forward to: one of my best friends is going to have a baby definitely by Thursday - cannot wait to meet her little guy and see her become a momma. Also looking forward to the holidays and being around family. OH and also looking forward to having enough money by December to upgrade to a professional camera and graduate from my little baby DSLR!

Making me happy: really seeing results from running, pumpkin candles, snuggles with my baby boy, holiday drinks at Starbucks, the fact that I get to spend another day with my husband and son.